May 26, 2004

Driving In Thailand
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

-Part 2-

Well, to continue relating my driving experiences in the land of smiles, LOS, (a nickname for Thailand by some.) let me say, "Just do it!" I ended part one with my taking a let (left) onto the red mud dirt road to my lady's village. Let's continue.

After getting on the road I notice that one side of it is about 5 feet higher than the other side. Yeah, the left side I'm supposed to be driving on! To hell with that I say! The right side was flat and a much better ride. I stay there. What the hell? I hit a pothole and smack my head on the Bhudda voodoo writings on the truck's ceiling. I thought that stuff was supposed to protect me from bodily injury for chrissakes. "Slowly darling, slowly." my lady tells me. "What the hell darling?" I say to her, "I'm only doing 2 kph! If I go any slower I might as well get out and frigging walk." She smiles at me, and motions to me to go slower. Now I notice that the road, I hate to even give it that lofty designation, is scattered with heavy equipment. Dump trucks, graders, back hoes and such. It looks like as soon as it started raining the Thai operators just parked them wherever they happened to be at the moment, and went home to drink whiskey and play cards until the end of the rainy season. What a frigging mess. I drive around a dump truck, going up on the left side, where it's much higher, and it feels like the damn truck is gonna roll over into the rice paddies! Whoa! I can see the newspaper headline now. "Stupid Farang Rolls Truck into Rice Paddy and Drowns. Thai Ladyfriend Survives Tragedy!!" Hopefully she's smart enough to take the money in my pockets before the cops arrive and they do. The truck is covered in red mud from all the puddled potholes. "The owner is gonna go nuts when he sees his pick-up." I think to myself. I don't think he thought I'd be four wheeling it in the mud bogs of Isaan when he rented to me. It takes us a good half hour to negotiate the dike road. At least three times I had to stop because a water buffao didn't want to get out of the road. One actually lowered his horns and challenged the damn truck! "Get the heck outta the way before I turn you into McDonalds burger meat!" I had to yell at him before he'd move. At this time I'm also getting a bit tired of rice and noodles, and he looks very tasty to me. Lotta steaks and roasts on his bones, brother. Finally we arrive safe and sound in front of our house. Everyone is there to greet the happy farang and his lucky lady. I feel loved, and break out in a stupid smile. Home at last! I get to visit the fruit of all my dollars once again. I also get to paint the whole house, as the Thai guys can't paint a straight line or do a proper job of it from the work I've seen around the country so far, and I'm not wasting my dough on a crappy job from them. I'll do it myself! (that story later!) –

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4