May 26, 2004

Driving In Thailand
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

-Part 4-

After settling in to village life, and being awoken every morning by the Bossman droning on on the village PA system, (or as I refer to him now, my future homicide victim), I realize I am now the designated "taxi man". I have the wheels, the tank is full, and heaven forbid anyone should have to take their moto-cyke as usual, when they can ride in the relative luxury of the bed of my Mighty X Toyota pick up. (and save on fuel too)

One fine morning my lady informs me that we have to go the electric company to talk to them about the bill. It seems my lady and her sister think they are being over charged for the electricity they use, so I am told in explanation. The guy across the street runs his own metal working shop, and his bill is a lot less than theirs is, and he is constantly running machinery and such. The ladies want to know why so much for them. "Okay, let's go whenever you're ready darling." I say, while scrambling up some eggs in the wok for breakfast. I had, by the fourth week in country, sworn off rice and fish sauce and chili peppers for breakfast, as it was wreaking havoc with my digestive system. I love it, but my guts were protesting against the daily use of those fiery additives to the local dishes. I am a pretty good cook myself, and like to cook. I've had my lass teach me how to cook my favorite Thai dishes, and make them for myself back home. Just not every day though! Her daughter loves to eat my scrambled eggs and fried ham for breakfast. So I'd cook breakfast for her and myself every morning before she went off to school. Smart kid.

"Where is the electric company office darlin'?" I ask my lass while we ate. "Oh, just in next village from here. Not long way." she says, while spooning in 4 or 5 heaping spoonfuls of crushed red peppers into her morning rice soup. I shudder watching her do this. "Daaaamn woman! Take it easy with the friggin' peppers." I say, shaking my head in amazement. She does this every morning, and then bitches all day that her stomach hurts. No shit, dummy. I tell her I don't want to hear about her stomach, as I told her not to eat so much peppers for breakfast, and she just won't listen to the dumb falang. "Food mi dee (no good) I think." she always says. "Yeah, it has nothing to do with the quarter pound of hot peppers you put on it, right?" I'll chide her. Silly thing.

After eating, and cleaning up, I jump in the truck with her and her sister and off we go to set the thieving electric company straight. We drive down the still unfinished "highway" past the temple, where Mama is making breakfast for the monks, and splash through the potholes, and dodge the occasional chicken, water buffalo, and dumb village soi dog, who all seem to think they have the right of way. I honk and wave at the kids walking to school, trying not to splash them as I drive by. They all know me, as I visited the school recently to meet my look sow's teacher, and talked to the principal about buying some used computers for the kids to learn on. They wave, and laugh and yell at us as we pass. Further down the road my lady tells me to slow down and take the next "let" left. "Where?" I ask her, looking for the turn. "There." she says, flapping her hand at a red mud trail which meanders off into the surrounding rice paddy fields. I turn onto the road. If you can call it that. "Go slow, darling." she urges me after I whack my head on the roof a few times. "I am going slow dear." I growl back at her, while maneuvering around a water filled pothole the size of Crater Lake. This has to be the worst "road" I have ever driven on in my entire life! Unlike the new, unfinished, highway, this road is completely level with the surrounding rice paddies. To the point of being under almost as much water as the rice fields themselves. "What the hell, darling?" I say, "Is this the way you always go to this village?" "Yes, is shortcut." she informs me. "You mean there IS another way to get to the village besides this way?" I exclaim, while trundling through another 3 foot deep mud hole. Red water splashes off the windshield and I have to turn on the wipers to see through it.

In front of me I spy a man floundering in another mudhole. He is trying to upright his scooter, which is lying in the water of the puddle he tried to drive through, which is a good 3 feet deep it seems, to me at least. I stop. I watch. I debate. Should I get out and help this poor bastard? He slips ithe mud and falls back down into the water on top of his scooter. I can hear him swearing in Thai, and watch him get up dripping wet and slimy with red mud. He grabs the bike again and struggles to upright it and push it out of the puddle. I look down at my clean feet and leather sandles and decide, "Hey, screw him. If he's stupid enough to try to drive his scooter through a puddle the size of Lake Champlain he can just help himself. I ain't slogging through that mud and water to his rescue.

"Which other way is there to this village?" I ask my love. "On highway, darling." she replies. "You mean the paved highway outside our village?" I snarl at her. "Yes," she smiles at me, "but long way. This shortcut." I throw her a scathing glance that should have cut her to ribbons where she sat. She looked at me with that blank, innocent, face, and said, a note of worry in her voice, "What wrong, darling? You okay?" I gritted my teeth, trying vainly to bite back my retort, realizing to her this is a normal, everyday event, but I had to ask her. "Darling, does insanity run in your family? Or is it just you?" I asked her, acid dripping from my words. "What you say, darling?" she queries me, not understanding enough English to get my sarcasm, but definitely understanding the tone of my voice. "Why the hell did you take me this way to the village? Why didn't we just go on the highway?" I whined at her, watching the poor sod finally get his scooter to the side of the mud trail. "This shortcut!" she replies again, crossing her arms huffily and glaring out her side window, avoiding my stare of incredulity. "Darling," I bark, "This ain't no shortcut. This, my dear, is the freaking road to hell!" She's pissed and confused. I'm pissed too. To hell with her. I'll explain why to her later that night. I tell her we are returning from the electric company on the highway, and not going back the way we just came. "Up to you." she says frostily. "Damn right it is!" I mutter back. "Shortcut my ass. It took an hour to traverse the road to hell. I almost got stuck in the mud a dozen times, and informed her that if I did get stuck her and her sister were getting out and pushing. That went over well. Whooeee! And if I did get stuck and they had to push I was gonna rev the engine and pop the clutch, and spray her ass with mud from head to toe! When we finally got to the electric company I spotted an outdoor bar/noodle stand that sold beer and whiskey, and informed her that I would wait for her there. Fine. "Beer Chang please. And Mekong whiskey too. No, not a glass, the bottle please!" I sat and waited for my insane darling and her sister to finish their business, while I drank and pondered the horrors of getting stuck on the road to hell, and having to walk a couple of miles with six inches of red mud sucking at my feet. "Another beer Chang, Please." Jesus, save me from her shortcuts!

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4